Or on buses, or trains, or anywhere else seats go back. Why? Because I feel too bad for the stranger sitting behind me. It doesn’t matter if everyone has their seat back (including the person in front of me), or that I’m twisting and turning in discomfort. I just never put my seat back because I feel sorry for John Doe behind me.
Ridiculous, right? I know.
I am probably one of the world’s biggest pushovers, always trying to please others, always doing what others want me to do. Never what truly pleases me. Never what makes me happy. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life in a constant state of misery-in-the-quest-to-make-others-happy state of mind, because generally I am very easy going. Sure, that works. Yup, I can do that too. Okay, that sounds great. Most of the time I just go with the flow, which actually suits me better.
But then there are times I need to stick up for myself. Do what I want. Exactly, what I want. Not what they want, not what she wants, and especially not what he wants.
I tried with him. I did. He tried too. We both tried. But it wasn’t meant to be. I wanted so badly to please him, not hurt him, never taking a moment to stop and breath. Wait, what do I want? I was always asking myself questions, then answering them how I thought he’d want them answered. And inevitably, it got messy, and I lost my direction trying to please him, not listening to my soul.
I so desperately wanted to like him more than I did. No, I wanted to love him. But it wasn’t there, and even though I knew that from the start, I tried, and tried, and tried. I wanted to please him. It didn’t really matter what I wanted. But that ‘it’ factor, I so look for, and so desire, it just wasn’t there for us, no matter how much I tried, or what I did.
It was no ones fault it didn’t work out. But my fault it dragged on so long. Questions with no answers. Decisions being made, but the opposite ones of what I wanted. What I needed. What does he want? How can I make him happy? Maybe he’s right, it just takes time. That’s what the past few months have been. Ups. And downs. And the right decisions not being made. And me doing what I thought he wanted. Never sticking up for myself.
Our skype call was 1 hour, 1 minute and 53 seconds. It’s over now. We’re going our separate ways. Finally, I was honest. I feel very sad, yet so relieved. It’s absolutely for the best. I was that girl with him, playing back and forth, simply because I was always trying to please. Never following my thoughts, never following my heart. I never quite knew what to do.
Over the last few months I’ve learnt two very valuable lessons. Number 1: just because I don’t know/get/understand my own feelings, doesn’t give me the right to mess with others. I hurt him. A lot. Unintentionally playing games with him. And for that, I am truly sorry. And lesson number 2? I must always (a.l.w.ay.s.) do what makes me happy. Always follow my heart, and unfortunately, if that means someone getting hurt, I have to suck it up, bite the bullet, and just say how I feel.
He’s a wonderful person, and with all my heart I wish him the best. I know he’ll find his happy ending, nice guys always do.
And hopefully, of course, so will I…