As I type this he’s most likely sleeping… 10,000 miles away from me. On another continent. In another time zone.
Today marks one month since I left Melbourne. One month since I left him. The airport was messy. My eyes were blood shot and puffy as I boarded that plane. And my head had too many thoughts in it to really process the magnitude of what was happening. How our relationship was said and done; it was rough.
When I think about it now the whole thing somewhat feels like a dream. That whole relationship seems like another world away. Another life, and a life I find hard to remember. We haven’t stayed in contact that much since I left. A few Skype calls here or there. An occasional text. But it’s hard: when I wake up he’s going to bed; and then in the evenings when I feel the desire to call him, to tell him something, to hear his voice and hear about his day, he’s at work; writing an exam; out with friends. And then I go to bed. But of course, this is probably for the best, because really, “what’s the point?”
But still, in the moments I’ve missed him it’s been really hard; especially as I find it’s one-sided. Which, of course, hurts deep in my soul. But there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. He has to get on with his life. And so do I. And I am; just slower, I think.
But despite the coming and going of pain from within me the past month, I wouldn’t take any of it back. Not meeting him. And not leaving him. Truth be told I learned a number of things from that relationship; lessons and moments I’ll take away with me for the rest of my life. And lessons which I believe will make me a better person; individually, and in a relationship. And I suppose at the end of the day that’s all you can hope for; to have had the relationship mean something; to have it better the person you are. And this relationship? it did that. And I am so, so grateful for that.
The things I learned:
I am worthy of being loved
I’ve always been that girl. The girl alone. The single girl. The girl no guy ever really liked enough. Actually, I felt like this had become a part of who I was, and I’m ashamed to say, a part of my identity. Matt changed this. At one point, Matt loved me. Really, and truly, with all his heart. He was the first guy to ever surround me with love; or, at least the first guy I let love me. Before Matt, I always felt I didn’t deserve it. I had too many problems, issues… I was too fat. Matt changed this.
My weight doesn’t matter
This very post is my 3,704th post on this blog. Whoa. That’s a lot of recording my life online… and want to know my absolute favourite post I’ve ever written? Mine & Matt’s first date. It’s a lesson I’ll remember the rest of my life, and in all the future self-conscious moments I’m sure to have, I will try to remember back to Matt looking past my weight, looking past me in a red, one piece bathing suit trying to suck my love handles in, and I’ll breath a sigh of relief (and let my gut hang out - ha) that relationships are certainly not about size, weight, or cellulite, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Heartbreak is the worst
When Matt broke up with me I was crushed. That post was probably the most raw, and real writing I’ve ever published online. I had tears streaming down my face as I wrote it, and whatever my brain was doing actually physically hurting my body. But somehow, someway, I am pleased I experienced a broken heart. Now, when someone tells me they are ‘heart broken,’ my heart & soul feel for them. It’s a real damn thing, heartache is, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Also, if I ever do find myself in the position where I am breaking a heart, I hope I’ll be able to understand, remember, and somehow, someway, find an compassionate way to do it (although, I’m not sure there is a decent way). Heartache SUCKS!
Trust is the absolute, without doubt, number one thing relationships have to have
Had you asked me a few years ago? I would have said, “funny, yup, funny. The must-have item at the top of my list would be funny.” False. It’s trust. One million and three per cent, it’s trust. When Matt and I got back together after he ended things with me, I could never quite trust him again. And? it was hell. Everything he did I second guessed and didn’t believe. Every text I saw him writing, I wondered if it was to some other girl. When he was with his friends on a Saturday night, I convinced myself he was with a girl. I went from being incredibly trusting of him (perhaps even naively so), to not ever trusting him. At all. And it sucked; for the both of us; a lot. The relationship was broken because of my lack of trust, and although I tried my best to get over this, I really couldn’t ever fully.
If you don’t like the person you are when you’re with them; that’s a problem.
During the majority of our relationship I loved the person I was with Matt. He brought out the best in me, and was my partner for exploring Melbourne and its surrounding area. We did so many things together, and had so much fun, and I’d often find myself laughing till it hurt, with tears streaming down my face. Matt made me want to be a better a person, and I liked that a lot about him. He never (like weirdly never) got angry, and handled situations calm & cooley (is that even a word?) as they came. After the breakup, and when my trust was no more, I hated who I became around him; I wasn’t me. I was paranoid, and questioning, and constantly looking for clues. I hated myself for this. I hated the person I was. And when that happens, there is a problem.
Communication is key
Oh, that it is. Now, as you may or may not know *cough this-blog cough* I am a talker. A discuss-er. A put-it-all-out-there, take-it-or-leave-it kind of gal. If I’m upset/sad/mad/happy I’ll tell you why. I’ll talk it out. I’ll share what I’m thinking. And, I think this is good. And I did do this for the majority of our relationship which I think made our relationship better. We’d never go to sleep angry or sad, because we would have resolved (because of my big mouth) the issues first, but this worked well, and I think it’s something to be remembered - talk, it, out! (Ha! I say this as if I’m some relationship guru, which obviously I am far, far from).
Own up to your portion, because sometimes it’s you
Yup. I am not perfect (gasp!). When you’re a singleton for many-a years (like I was), you’re probably (and naturally) a little selfish. It was definitely an adjustment in the beginning - and sometimes, without realizing it, I was being unfair. I was also new to Melbourne and always wanted to do-do-do! Matt usually did not. I think I drove him crazy with my constant, “let’s do something” when he just wanted to stay in and relax. Looking back, this wasn’t fair of me and I regret not having more low-key weekends in. Also, when I was paranoid (after the breakup) that must have been *so* annoying for him. He apologized a lot, and he moved on… I needed to do the same if I chose to stay with him, but I didn’t, which wasn’t fair, especially as he did not cheat on me, he simply decided to move on - which is fair.
Keep your lady friends close
Well isn’t this a universal key point to take note of? My mom has embedded this into me since I was a youngin. Lady-friends are critical; absolutely crucial. Men will come and go, but your friends are there forever. So… do not, under any circumstances, turn your life into 100% your boyfriend. I don’t think I did this, or, I tried consciously not to, and I think this was a life-saver on that fateful day I returned from New Zealand with no boyfriend, and no place to live. My friends were there for me, because, well I still had them. And I am so, so pleased I did. *waves to all my lady crushes back in Melbourne*
Be careful sharing only the ‘bad’ things with friends
I found it was so easy to complain to friends about the things Matt did wrong, whereas I would never gush to them about all the wonderful things Matt did right - which outweighed the bad 10 to 1. This meant that they only heard the bad things, which meant their opinions of him weren’t exactly, ummm, high.
It’s hard not to, but in the future I am going to really try hard to keep bad/annoying/stupid ramblings to myself - because it’s hard for family & friends to think differently when all they hear are the negatives (even though that’s a tiny percentage of the story).
My blog, this blog, obviously only saw the rainbows, sunshine & lollipops of it all - right!? :)
Breakups suck, and that’s okay.
I am in such a unique situation. No one in this new world of mine in Toronto knows Matt. And nobody, back in Australia, or at home, has any sympathy for me, or much desire to talk to me about it… even though I’ve had moments of really hurting. Moments of wanting to talk to somebody. Anybody. But the answer is always the same; it doesn’t matter. And I know, it doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean the pain in my chest is less sore. I keep telling myself it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel pain. But still, it’s hard, especially as I can feel him really slipping away.
Know when it’s run its course.
I get a massive “F” for this one. FAIL. When Matt broke up with me, I should have known - that was it. Sure, we had *great* moments, days, weeks after, but I could never get over him walking away in February, and that somewhat killed the relationship. Also, last November I actually tried to break up with him at one point. I had reached a point where I believed we were two different people, wanting different things, but then never actually did.
Blogging a romance online…
Matt was the first guy I blogged about on this blog; real name and all! And it was a learning curve for me, that it was, figuring out the balance of it all. But everything about him (including this very post) he read first, and everything he gave his permission for me to publish - which, I really appreciated. But to be honest, he really didn’t care; which actually sometimes bothered me - I wanted him to care about what I wrote & said… but that’s me just being a stupid girl, because at the same time it was nice that he didn’t care; that he gave me my own space.
But writing about romance online was hard at times. And I learned plenty of dos, and do-nots for my future lovers (ha). The truth is, if you do date me (lucky, lucky you!), I’m going to make you out to be a saint on my blog. You will come off as boyfriend of the year. And if we break up? Well, I’ll take it in stride. But I know I’m not one to slander a name, or write meanly of another person. After all, everybody is just trying to figure out this cray game.
Mine and Matt’s relationship was (I think) a very normal one. It wasn’t all great, but the majority of it was - and that’s the part I blogged about.
Note: I’m undecided if I’ll blog about another relationship in the future, I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.
I am so thankful, grateful and happy I met him, and we had our fifteen months together; breakup and all. Matt is a good person, and I am a better version of myself for having met him. The relationship taught me more things than a single post could write, but I hope by typing this up, I can let him go & walk away. He wasn’t ‘the one’ for me, and I wasn’t ‘the one’ for him, but I am so thankful he is part of my Australian experience and I wish him nothing but happiness and success in his future. I’m sure we’ll always stay in touch, and have no doubt it will sting when I see the next (lucky) lady has swooped in, but our relationship ran its course and I am better from it.
Matt, thank you, thank you for everything! Sprinkler xo Liz