My oh my, what a day it has been! And now it’s the long weekend, my friends! “Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!” <— said with a fist-pump in.

I went through a rainbow array of emotions today because good God, you guys, I am leaving so soon!!!

It’s so easy to say “I want to travel, I want to leave all that I know,” when you’re locked in a job, going through a routine, surrounded by the safe, comfortable world that you live in. But. But it’s another thing to know in a mere 23 days you’ll actually be on a plane. Suddenly the world you wished for seems too close, too real, and thoughts arise whether you should have just kept your dreams all talk and no action.

But Sept 22, at 6:10pm, everything *is* going to change.

I’ve been really nervous about the money part of the trip, because I truly have no idea how much it’s all going to cost me (anyone have any ideas?). Am I going to wake up one morning broke and stranded in some country, with nothing more than the belongings in my bag? Hmmmmmm…

12 flights are booked so far ($2,760.05 later….) and hardly any accommodation (exception: Berlin and trek to Base Camp, Mt. Everest), but I think I’ll keep it this way…. take a chance, leave my options open, see where the trip takes me… at least, that’s what I’m saying right now.

I have a back up passport and visa, y’know, just-in-case (Mother-Liz will keep it ready to fedex), and an assortment of passport size photos for all my different visa passports… There were/are so many little things I have to do, it’s unbelievable how overwhelming it’s got, trust me on that one.

I also find I’m going through the motions of what I think I’m *supposed* to do, but really, I’m so blind to all this, that deep down inside I’m somewhat freaking out.

But, the organization, the bookings, the planning, and even hit to my wallet, none of it will be nearly as hard as when the goodbyes start.

I said my first goodbye to my brother last weekend, as he heads back to school for the Fall. My heart physically hurt knowing I may not see him again for a year, maybe two? Driving home I didn’t know what to do.

I am so scared. I am so nervous. I am terrified of the next three weeks coming to an end. It’s such a weird feeling knowing I’m the one who created whatever it is I’m going through.

At some point in my life I know I want to skydive. I imagine the fear right before one jumps, right before they take that leap of faith, is somewhat similar to what I’m currently going through.

You know you want to do it. Without a doubt, you do.  But in that moment up there? it’s terrifying as hell.

Because despite the risks, despite the unknown, despite my many hesitations (and oh there are many!), I know this is what I truly want to do at the end of each day; see the world, take a chance, and simply start new.

Faith in myself, that, I luckily have, and at the end of the day I think (hope) that’s all that matters.

((terrified))

truth be told as of late, I’ve been abandoning you, little blog. of course, several reasons are the culprit of this, the main one being there simply isn’t a lot to say. but then again, there is. there always-always is… my brain thinks about everything from every possible angle a thousand and one times a day, so i doubt there will actually ever be a time i have ‘nothing to say.’ but i’ve been guarded recently. very guarded. reasons? unknown. 

i have, however, been writing. hand writing that is on paper; in cursive, and pen, and in a leather bound journal with no lines. always trying not to let my writing slant down. private thoughts. big thoughts: fears. hopes. and dreams.

i’m leaving in a month and 3 days which is scary as f*ck. sometimes i even have to stop to breath, when i realize my sister, and mom, and friends won’t be a phone call or hug away.  but i’m happy. so happy. giddy almost, actually. life is good, and over the last few weeks i have come to note just how fortunate i truly am.  whenever i look at the moon i think about how it’s the same moon i’ll be looking at in nepal. or cambodia. or indonesia. the world is suddenly so little then. that makes me feel safe.

often, i think about london. the uncertainty of it all - no job. no house. no friends. no life. a blank slate, if you will. but it’s that blank slate that’s also giving me the good type of butterflies. and letting me dream big. or sometimes small. little things excite me, like how i can’t wait to run along the thames. or see big ben on the horizon. or walk on cobbleston streets…. so much unknown. yet so much possibility.

i’m in the perfect state of limbo right now. although, truth be told, i feel like i’ve been in this state for a long (long!) time.  since i was 18 i knew i wanted to travel. do a big (big!) trip. see the world. have an adventure. push myself into the unknown. for the last 8 years i’ve been waiting… planning. in my head, and on paper. which has left me in this permanent world of, what i like to call, life-limbo.

i never considered anything long term: a house. a boyfriend. a job. why? because i always knew i would leave at some point. no matter what happened, i would leave in the future, so there really was no point. and now i am. in a month and 3 days i have a one way ticket from here, to there. i’m still in shock i’m doing this. even though i always knew it would happen… always. 

the trip. everest. the beaches. i have no doubt will be amazing. but what i’m the most excited for is landing in london and just being. long term being, that is. actually wanting to settle down.  actually knowing i want to stay somewhere. creating a permanent life for myself. thinking long term. i’m so excited for that. 

but i am happy. life is so, so good. so good that i even catch myself wondering if this whole traveling-moving thing is what i truly want. but it is. it really is. i know if i didn’t do it i’d regret not doing it forever. and ever. and ever. maybe i’ll crash. burn. and return home soon. but even then, lessons will be learned. eyes will be opened. experiences will be made. about me. about the world. about life… and i believe it’s through mistakes, and lessons, and taking chances, that i’ll figure out who i am. what i want. and what this little life of mine is really all about. so…

one month. three days.

Because I’m a considerate and awesome employee (No really, I am. You should hire me. Especially if you’re in London.) I gave my boss lots and lots of notice.  My last day of work is September 2nd 16th (they asked for another 2 weeks), which means you’ll be stuck with my Daily Attempts At Looking Skinny Posts, Food Posts, and Toronto shenanigans/ramblings for nearly 2 more months before I hit the high seas! 

Here’s the loose details of what’s planned, and major events; parts are still super-duper shady…

Toronto to Berlin —> I leave Toronto, Sept 22 at 6:10pm
Berlin Marathon -> Sept 25th, 2011
Berlin to Croatia —> Renting a car and driving the coast (chillaxin’)
Croatia to London —> 1 night layover
London to Nepal —> overnight flight of doom (layover in India)
Start hiking to Base Camp Mt. Everest —> Oct 8th, 2011
Arrive at Base Camp on Everest —> Oct 15th, 2011 Then…
Nepal to…
Vietnam
Laos
Cambodia
Thailand
Malaysia
Singapore —> November 27th meeting a friend
Indonesia’s Islands
Bali, Indonesia —> Dec 3rd for my 27th birthday!!
Thailand (again) for Full Moon Party —> Dec 10
Dec 11+   TBA

That’s where I’m at.  

The planning of it hurts my soul, especially as I’m not a planner by nature; I enjoy seeing what happens, especially while traveling (learned that the hard way when I backpacked Europe).  Anywho, I’m most excited for Base Camp Mt. Everest, and the beaches of Bali. After Dec 10th, I may continue on to an unknown local, depending on friends/money/desire-for-my-own-bed or head to London to find a family to take me in for Christmas, and then try to convince the person reading this in London, to hire me.  

—-

I also wanted to apologize to everyone who has messaged or emailed me over the last few weeks/months.  I’m very (very!) behind on emails, largely due to I never email during the days (gmail is blocked, as it the Tumblr-msg thing (browser outdated)) and when I was at home, I had to plan this trip. But thank you so much for your kind words, and emails. Being over weight my whole life has been such a bitch, but hearing I may have inspired others on their personal journeys truly makes the whole stomach-sitting-on-thighs-thing-when-I-sit worth it.  I’m touched by so many of your kind words, and they truly mean the world to me - Thank you so much. xo E

I don’t know where to start. And I know I won’t be able to answer all the questions I need to, but I’ll try…

I’ve thought about this post so much, what I’d say, how I’d tell you. It’s been a long time coming, and a big secret I’ve kept for a while now. As I sit here and type this I feel butterflies in my stomach, and have not yet decided whether they’re nervous or excited ones….

If you go back in my archives you’ll see snippets of, “I want to break free” thoughts. I’ve always known I was going to travel, just never knew when.  When I graduated from my university, I was $48,000 in debt, so the possibility of traveling was definitely a no-go.  And then, after a lot of nights in and twiddling my thumbs, on November 11th, 2010 I finally paid off my debt, but also found myself penniless; traveling was still not an option. 

However, and if you’ve read the archives, or been with me from the start, you’ll know I had some Roommate drama, which was a blessing in disguise as it allowed me to save up over the last few months by living at home.  Save up for what? I wasn’t sure. As time was ticking on, and my age struck 26 I was worried I was too old now to the plan and do the trip my 18 year old self had created. Maybe the money should go towards a… down payment?

But then, as fate would have it, I got the kick in the ass I needed when I found out my running group was running the Berlin Marathon on September 25, 2011.  Perfect. I could use that to launch myself into a whirlwind trip, an excuse to leave my job, my life, and see the world. 

As of right now I’ll set foot in 10 countries, 7 of which, I’ll be traveling alone in.  To say I’m scared would be a huge understatement. I’m terrified to my core, but (and yes, this is all very lame) for some reason I feel the need to do this, always have, and now will.   It wasn’t just the money that held me back before, I was also waiting for a friend’s schedule to align with mine, or perhaps meet a nice boy, who wanted to travel too. But at some point I had to stop waiting, and apparently that point is now.

Once all is said and done, and I’m all travelled out and desiring my own bed at night (no end date yet), I’ll book myself a flight to London, where I’ll find myself with no friends, no apartment, no job, no nothing, and start new. Start fresh. Redefine.

I’m fortunate enough to have my EU passport, which allows me to legally work in England, and start job searching as soon as I arrive, whether I’ll bartend, serve, or trade stocks again, I couldn’t tell you, but I’m open to anything and everything, as long as I love it. I know, right? I still feel like this isn’t my story, and this isn’t really going to happen.   

I lived in London back in 2003 – 2004, and already know I’m head over heels for the city, but will things actually fall into place for me? I have absolutely no clue, but (warning: another lame line) you only live once, right?  Which means I’m taking the chance, and if I crash and burn, so be it. I’ll move somewhere new if I do; create something new for myself then.

I’ve always known I’d leave Toronto, but wasn’t sure where I’d head.  I looked into Australia, but concluded it was too far, and, of course, my top two choices, New York City or Chicago.  But with so much of my trip relying on my need for a job on the other end of it, I really can’t afford the troubles of having to convince US immigration I’m not a terrorist, and will not drain their economy with my lazy ways. [However, it should also be noted, I have no doubt at some point I’ll end up back in North America.]

How long will I be in London? Who knows.  Perhaps a few months, a year or five. We’ll see what happens, I suppose.  Between you and me, it secretly terrifies me I’m running from something that isn’t here, or searching for something that doesn’t exist, I don’t know, I’m sure a psychologist could have a field day with my life plan right now, but at the end of the day, the thought of moving to London is what I want, and it’s taken me 26 years to realize there is no point doing something that doesn’t make me happy.

Will I blog on my travels? I don’t know.  I haven’t decided yet. I’m tempted to handwrite my story along the way in my new (so pretty) leather bound diary, or whether I’ll take a notepad, and find Internet access along the way. It’s all very up in the air.  Will I blog from London? Absolutely, but be warned, as time has ticked on, and I’ve realized the planet doesn’t revolve around the number on the scale, I’ll most likely be blogging about real life things – such as, finding friends (because seriously, I’ll have none), figuring out a new routine, finding a job/apartment, creating a life for myself, and of course, my love affair with Prince Harry (because obviously that will happen).

I don’t know if this even answered any questions, or perhaps created more.  Thank you for your well wishes today, they were so appreciated as I sat at my desk shaking with fear of giving up a great, stable, secure job in this type of economy.

I’m stepping outside my comfort zone come September, and am leaving the Toronto-corporate-comfortable chapter behind me, and am ready to kick off my heels, and grab my flip flops (well, running shoes for the marathon, and hiking boots for Everest) and see where my feet take me.

Thank you Little Blog, for reading, supporting and being there, 

Love Liz