Can I tell you a secret? I like telling people he broke up with me over a “text message.” Why? because for a moment in time, he’s an asshole. And I’ll let my friend then tell me the cliché things, and knock him down a few points, and for a split second I actually feel better. But the truth of the matter is this: he’s not an asshole. True, it was an incredible poor lack of judgement (& respect for me) texting me, but still, he’s not an asshole.

And I think that makes this harder. A nice, real, guy just suddenly stopped liking me. Me. Not my body, or the way I look, but me. I actually think this would be easier if I thought Matt cared about my size; I’d have a reason to blame; I’d have an excuse.

And I asked him if there was another girl… waiting for his response to pierce my soul. I could hate him then. Walk away. Let go. But there wasn’t. It was just me & my personality instead to blame.

And now I’m left sitting at home & doubting the person I am, not what I look like. This is so much worse. So much damn worse. If I had just said this, or done that, or this, or acted differently… if I just wasn’t me.

And I feel lackluster lately. In the real world and on this blog. I sit at my screen and want to write, want to tell someone, anyone, just how sad I am, but I don’t. Because what could I say? Hi there, My name is Liz and I’m sitting at home and having a pity party for myself. And because I’m trying to lose weight, it’s a wine-less party with no cheese cubes in sight.

Awful.

And people have said with time it’ll get easier. It hasn’t. That desire to talk to him, to text him, to let him know something about my day (like how my credit card was stolen), or hear about his day, his new school schedule, or upcoming plans… that desire just increases with time. 

I texted him today. I texted him words I swore to myself I’d never say, “I miss you.” And then I froze. And the minutes he took to respond felt like years. And I felt weak. Embarrassed. Stupid for feeling this way.

A breakup. It’s such unfamiliar territory for me. I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t know who to put down as my emergency contact… I just don’t know. And I want to upload some of my Melbourne photos online, but do I add any of him? Of the places we went, the things we saw? And my Instagram photos with him in them; I feel sick when i see them; should I delete him? Pretend he didn’t exist? Again, I don’t know.

Today I wished May 7 (when I leave Melbourne) would get here faster. I want to stop being reminded of him. Stop thinking about him. Stop feeling so sh*tty about myself. Stop that feeling deep inside me from taking over. Today was a bad day.

• Soooo… I am back in Melbourne. And let’s just say a four hour layover in Auckland, and then a four hour flight gave me lots (too much) thinking time.
• And then I met Matt. And? we spoke about everything, yet nothing. It’s interesting to note how you can be so attracted to a person one moment, and then so incredibly un-attracted to them the next.
• Also worth noting, how insanely crazy the brain is. How my brain & thoughts can physically make my stomach twist and turn. And how I can see how poorly I’ve been treated, and what’s right from wrong, yet I still want him. UGH.
• And it’s funny (not really. but y’know) how I found the previous posts so easy to write, but then I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. Didn’t want to hear the cliché words. To hear he’s an “asshole” (he’s not. just not-too-smart at times - a text!!). Or hear the go-to lines, “it’s not you, it’s him.” So I fell off the face of the Earth for a few days and it was kinda, sorta, maybe, fabulous. I needed it.
• Oh. And I figure I should mention Matt read those posts before and said it was okay I publish them. My initial plan was not mention it on the blog for a month or two. But I like writing. I like sharing. It’s what I do.
• And then, despite the world and my brain advising me not to, I stayed with Matt for 3 nights when I got back (as I had a subletter in my room). But it was actually good for me. It gave me closure and it made me feel all sorts of better.
• But I have to admit the cab ride from his place to mine was emotional. Such a weird feeling driving away from someone who was such a large part of my life. The cab driver was so lovely and asked me questions about why I had so much stuff. I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words “ex-boyfriend.” I’ll have to get over that.
• Also. From being so open and honest online I learned, wait, was reminded of two things: the majority of people are so, so kind - thank you. And, it’s incredible what some people live through. Matt and I dated for a year. One short, short year. And in the grand scheme of my life? that’s nothing at all. But stories of heartache that were so much stronger & deeper than mine filled my inbox and I was amazed in peoples’ strength and ability to persevere.
• And? I will persevere!
• I learned a lot about myself in the past week. That despite my initial reaction to him breaking up with me, I am confident enough in myself now to certainly not let a depression or rut take over my life. And I know with time I’ll be okay. Great, actually. I don’t agree with his decision, but I understand it and believe it was more about him, than me.
• We’re going to try to be friends. Umm yea, yea I know. We’ll see… :)
• It’s okay to be sad. I learned that too. Actually, someone commented saying to accept my emotions and just let it be. That helped me a lot. I find it’s a roller coaster of emotion; ups & downs & downs & ups. It’s all very confusing, but I know with time it’ll get easier & easier.
• And is it just me or does EVERY SINGLE SONG anywhere ever, talk about love? And is it just me or is EVERY SINGLE PERSON on the streets, trams, trains, & buses in couple form? Because holy hell love & happiness appear to be following me around and taunting me.
• I got drunk last night. Too drunk. And danced the night away to great rock songs. There were no tears. No drunk calls. No text messages. A++ for me!
• Also. I don’t know why, but I want to clear this up: I had a life without Matt. Actually, Matt and I only have about 4 mutual friends on Facebook. We had two very, very separate lives. I think that was what was so hard for me to understand… as we hardly saw each other as it was (2, maybe 3 times a week). 
• Note to self: never never never never be in a Facebook relationship ever again.
• I was walking down a street yesterday in the city and felt like I was wearing a “broken heart” sign on me. Like, hmm, I just felt like everyone could tell how sad I was. And of course everything reminded me of him; of us. I leave Melbourne forever on May 7(!!), and my plan is to re-own this city and create new & wonderful memories for myself until then. And I gotta admit, I’m excited to get out there and force myself to move on.

Today is Valentine’s day. Today is the day of love.

And as those keeping track will know, I’ve never in my life had a good Valentine’s Day. Actually, it was on Valentine’s Day in 2011 that I was told the words ‘there is another girl’ and I felt my heart shatter into a million and one pieces. That was hard. And then, of course, here I sit in 2013 somewhat still numb from this.

And I know it’s just a day. A silly, silly, day. But still, it sucks. I had hope. I believed. I was naive. And yes, the relationship was expected to end. But we had discussed it. Talked about it. We had a plan. And so I looked forward to this February 14th day as a celebration of the past year. And now here it is. And I can’t eat. Or sleep. Or feel. 

But still, despite all of that, I wanted to pause for a moment in time and write a happy valentine’s day card. I think there is so much emphasis on this day celebrating couple love, but why not celebrate all love? Because if there is anything I’ve learned in the last few days it is that I am loved. And I have SO many wonderful, wonderful girlfriends in my life. Here in Australia, back home in Canada, and even some I’ve never met living inside my computer (*waves frantically to you*). 

My sister, my mom, my friends back home. The ladies from my CrossFit, my friends from work. And of course this blog. I have been blown away by love and support and despite feeling so sad on this Valentine’s Day, I am so aware of the wonderful support & love I have. Thank you.

Heartbreak is such a universal thing, and (from my experience) it’s something embedded so deep from within that you can’t shake it off, or laugh through it. It’s something that stays with you every moment of the day, and steals your sleep away at night. It claims your heart, body, and soul. And it’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

But I have found so much comfort in others’ stories, comments, and kind words. I am a strong believer that I’ll move past this with time (I learned that last time when I truly thought my world had ended), and that I’ll come out better, stronger, and smarter from this. Matt wasn’t the one for me. I wasn’t the one for him. And although I am bruised and battered today, I just wanted to say a Happy Valentine’s to you and a huge (huge!) thank you.

Liz

Gutted
Embarrassed
Wish I had been better
Looked better
Acted better
Weighed less
And. Wish I had a clock to go back in time.

He broke up with me
And I’m alone in New Zealand
It was over text.

He can’t help it
He just doesn’t feel it
He doesn’t like me anymore
He prefers to be alone than with me.

I feel so foolish Helpless
Lost
Anyone. Someone. Help.

I froze when I read his words
I wanted to change his mind
I wanted to shake him
Wake up…

But I just sat there
My heart beating a million miles an hour
I am so sad right now
And I have cried
And it is what it is
And I hate that I hate me.

He just lost interest
Just like that.
Devastated.
He never thought of me
Wanted me
Missed me
And it’s so public
And I don’t want to tell anyone,
But rather sit here forever or until it stops hurting.

But I owe it to you, the reader; Matt broke up with me. And my heart hurts so badly right now.