April 13th, 2011
47 notes ·

panic. attack.

i had my first ever panic attack tonight. up until tonight i had no idea what a “panic attack” was.  i had just seen them on tv.  

it was horrible. absolutely horrible. 

i was at the gym.  actually, on the treadmill.  and i was running my heart out. i had one simple mile to go. that’s all, 1.6 kilometres.  i was running at a pace of 7 minutes, 30 seconds a mile. or 4 minutes 39 seconds a kilometre.

hard, but doable.  

i wasn’t thinking. just running.  watching commercials flicker up ahead. balancing my weight. swinging my arms. feeling strong. feeling good.

but then i looked down. and that’s when I saw it: 0.4 miles done. 

what? omg. wait. that’s all? i can’t do this. i can’t do this. i’m going too fast. i can’t do this. it’s too fast. slow it down. 0.41. why isn’t it moving faster. i’m going to fail. i can’t do this….

my breathing got short. i started gasping. tears came into my eyes. i lost my breath. people were staring.  my lungs hurt. i couldn’t do it. i wouldn’t do it.  i jumped to the side. and tried to, unsuccessfully gasp for air. my lungs seemed to have collapsed. i couldn’t talk. i was just trying to get air, but no matter how big of a breath i took, i didn’t get any. 

as i type this i can still feel the roughness in the back of my throat from desperately trying to find air.  

my trainer watched me. let me work it out. then said, “you know that was all mental, right? you thought you were going to fail. so you did.”  i still couldn’t talk.  i hadn’t found my breath yet. i crouched down. i was coughing now. trying to remove the smokey feeling from the back of my throat. gasping for air.

i was (am) very disappointed in myself. i let my negative thoughts own me. lead me. i believed i couldn’t do it. and so i couldn’t.  

i never finished that mile. i couldn’t. i wouldn’t. physically or mentally. 

—-

there was little difference in me tonight compared to last week, when I ran that same mile at 9.0, but that little difference made the biggest difference in the end.  the little difference of ‘i can’ verse ‘i can’t.’

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  1. heylaney said: I’ve been there. It’s HORRIBLE. It sucks & I’m so sorry you had to go through it.
  2. hershapeinthedoorway said: FYI—- As my dad rudely informed me once, there are discernable/scientific/defining differences between nervous attacks and panic attacks. You should try and figure out which it was so you can know how to best prevent in the future!
  3. sprinklesomejoy said: I’m sorry :(
  4. graceinsmallthings said: I used to get them ALL. THE. TIME. Always from claustrophobia-induced situations (planes, cabs, roller coasters). It’s the pits, man. Nothing is worse. I even had a scrip for a heavy dosage of Xanax, and even that did nothing for me!
  5. whitesundress said: You are probably being too hard on yourself. Have a “panic attack” sounds as serious as it really is. Don’t just focus on your body, change the way you think about losing weight. As much as you have lost weight, gaining a panic attack is bad.
  6. xomiaamore said: I wish you’d capitalize when you have these sad posts. When I had disordered eating, I never thought I deserved a capital “I” and that makes me sad that you do the same, whether intentionally or not.
  7. caitofthenorthwest said: Aww. Stay strong lady, I have anxiety attacks which with your description are similar and they are horrible.
  8. inthesaddle said: Do. Not. Punish. Yourself. It happens and it’s awful, but you will learn and get through it. It’s not your fault. You now know the beast and you can let it pass you by next time it comes around. You can do it!
  9. ericapiper said: I’ve experienced the same thing a couple of times. Sometimes it’s because the run is too hard and sometimes something completely unrelates brings it on. I start to feel upset and like I’m gonna cry and then my throat closes up and I can’t breathe.
  10. keepingupwithmcjones said: im sorry honey :(
  11. steelmangoes said: Me too. Sometimes I want to say: Brain. BACKSEAT. NOW!!!
  12. keeprunninggwhere said: you hit the wall. don’t worry, it happens to every runner - and I know it’s hard but the best thing you can do in that moment is reassure yourself you are okay over and over again. Tell yourself you can do it. because you really can.
  13. chrystidoeslife said: :-( Dislike. Sorry this happened. And, may I just say, HOLY MOLEY GIRL! 7:30 miles?!?! In. Awe. That is all.
  14. krizzzokrizzzo said: :( and DAMN YOU CAN RUN FAST i can do that pace for 15 seconds and I die!
  15. smellslike-hollywood said: Your cheerleader again. Lol but your stories are great. Real life lessons.
  16. likesryearonlyfunner said: I am sorry…panic attacks are terrifying.
  17. demiasinhalf said: public panic attacks are the worst. im so sorry that happened to you dear. youll kick that miles ass next time!
  18. kristysfoodandfitness said: That sounds horrible!
  19. 4wardmotion reblogged this from one-twenty-five
  20. one-twenty-five posted this
Welcome! I'm Liz, the girl relieved the Internet has 0 calories. I'm a Canadian in Melbourne. A marathoner. CrossFitter. Paleo (somewhat) eater. Traveler. Cheese lover. And I think you're great!

F | 28 | 5'4"
Highest Weight: 203
Current Weight: 172
Goal Weight: 125(!)

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