I felt so single tonight. I know, isn’t that bad? I guess it’s the first Saturday night where I’ve found myself alone, at home, and with no plans in sight since, well, you know, this happened.
I’ve been rather good at staying busy since that fateful text. I threw myself into running, CrossFit, and seeing friends… but it was bound to happen. A night in. Alone. Just me, myself and my bruised heart. And I hate to admit it, but it was depressing. I felt so sorry for myself.
Cooking dinner alone. Finding something on TV alone. Going to bed alone. So alone. By myself. Just with my thoughts, my questions, and wondering what he was doing. Always wondering. Always looking at my phone.
His text message stated loud and clear, ‘I don’t miss you. And I haven’t missed you.’ Ouch. I think that’s what I find so hard. Knowing he doesn’t miss me. Knowing he’s not thinking about him. Knowing he doesn’t care. And then here I am, writing a damn post about him.
I feel so pathetic it hurts.
And it’s a strange thing not to want a relationship right now (with him, or anyone), but despite that, still feeling so lonely on this Saturday night. Still wanting someone… to do nothing, and everything, with but mostly just to be there at night.
And of course, me being me, with all my thoughts in my head, inevitably let my head wander… and then suddenly I’m 40 and doing the same thing as tonight, and, well, love just wasn’t in my cards during this life. Tonight, it was awful. Letting my mind wander like that. I can literally convince myself no one will ever love me, want me, or desire me again… and this night, this Saturday night spent alone is simply a foreshadow of what is to come.
Heartache and loneliness; the dictionaries need to be revised to make them synonyms, because my God, they’re one and the same.