If you were to ask me what I’d prefer, to be skinny or to eat the above fried plate of wedges & toppings, without a second thought my answer would be, ‘to be skinny.”

It tops my life ‘to-do’ list (I know, how awful) and something that consumes my each & every day. I want to be the best, fittest, healthiest version of myself. I want to be proud of my body. Have healthy habits. I want to be skinny. And no, not stick thin, but rather simply be comfortable in a white T-shirt and jeans walking down the road. I don’t want to have to pull my shirt out of my rolls when I sit, or switch my purse to the side of people/cars when crossing the road (y’know, so they don’t see my fat). I don’t want to reach for the pillow on the couch to hide my stomach behind, or grab the item of clothing way at the back of the rack to find the largest size is still too small. I just want to be, well, normal.

And yet in the moments where it counts. In the seconds I am put in vulnerable spots, the instances where I am faced with temptation, I can literally order a plate of wedges, wait guiltily for them to come, look at a plate of wedges, cheese, and sour cream and actually feel the weight gain on my thighs, the extra jiggle on my ass, and the deep fried-ness running through my veins, and yet still make the wrong decision.

I made the wrong decision today. 

I’ve been doing so well lately; eating paleo, running, and doing CrossFit, and then BAM. While literally thinking of losing weight, while thinking of pretty summer dresses, fitting into ‘skinny jeans,’ shopping in smaller sized stores, and wearing bathing suits, I ate the above artery blocking meal.

Messed up, isn’t I?

And the kicker is, it wasn’t even that good. Dreadful. And I know the whole intuitive thinking movement, the whole don’t view food as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, or ‘rewards’ vs ‘failures’, but today I felt my old self creep back in. The two steps forward, one step back Liz. The internally fighting with myself not to reach for another chip, and then find myself mindlessly doing it. 

But it’s done now. And all is said and done. And I don’t even know why I share this with you, as I’m quite embarrassed I ate the above, but I guess I just have to accept that despite thinking I’ve been doing really well lately, I still have a long ways to go. I still have to figure out the ‘why’ and the ‘what’; because what am I getting from eating something I don’t even want to eat? And why do I keep doing it (wash, rinse, repeat) when I’ve seen the results, I know the outcome, I know what’s right, vs. wrong, and what will reach my goal, and what won’t.

Today. Today was a bad eating day. And so tomorrow (sigh) I start again.