Life Goes On
- Soooo… I am back in Melbourne. And let’s just say a four hour layover in Auckland, and then a four hour flight gave me lots (too much) thinking time.
- And then I met Matt. And? we spoke about everything, yet nothing. It’s interesting to note how you can be so attracted to a person one moment, and then so incredibly un-attracted to them the next.
- Also worth noting, how insanely crazy the brain is. How my brain & thoughts can physically make my stomach twist and turn. And how I can see how poorly I’ve been treated, and what’s right from wrong, yet I still want him. UGH.
- And it’s funny (not really. but y’know) how I found the previous posts so easy to write, but then I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. Didn’t want to hear the cliché words. To hear he’s an “asshole” (he’s not. just not-too-smart at times - a text!!). Or hear the go-to lines, “it’s not you, it’s him.” So I fell off the face of the Earth for a few days and it was kinda, sorta, maybe, fabulous. I needed it.
- Oh. And I figure I should mention Matt read those posts before and said it was okay I publish them. My initial plan was not mention it on the blog for a month or two. But I like writing. I like sharing. It’s what I do.
- And then, despite the world and my brain advising me not to, I stayed with Matt for 3 nights when I got back (as I had a subletter in my room). But it was actually good for me. It gave me closure and it made me feel all sorts of better.
- But I have to admit the cab ride from his place to mine was emotional. Such a weird feeling driving away from someone who was such a large part of my life. The cab driver was so lovely and asked me questions about why I had so much stuff. I couldn’t bring myself to utter the words “ex-boyfriend.” I’ll have to get over that.
- Also. From being so open and honest online I learned, wait, was reminded of two things: the majority of people are so, so kind - thank you. And, it’s incredible what some people live through. Matt and I dated for a year. One short, short year. And in the grand scheme of my life? that’s nothing at all. But stories of heartache that were so much stronger & deeper than mine filled my inbox and I was amazed in peoples’ strength and ability to persevere.
- And? I will persevere!
- I learned a lot about myself in the past week. That despite my initial reaction to him breaking up with me, I am confident enough in myself now to certainly not let a depression or rut take over my life. And I know with time I’ll be okay. Great, actually. I don’t agree with his decision, but I understand it and believe it was more about him, than me.
- We’re going to try to be friends. Umm yea, yea I know. We’ll see… :)
- It’s okay to be sad. I learned that too. Actually, someone commented saying to accept my emotions and just let it be. That helped me a lot. I find it’s a roller coaster of emotion; ups & downs & downs & ups. It’s all very confusing, but I know with time it’ll get easier & easier.
- And is it just me or does EVERY SINGLE SONG anywhere ever, talk about love? And is it just me or is EVERY SINGLE PERSON on the streets, trams, trains, & buses in couple form? Because holy hell love & happiness appear to be following me around and taunting me.
- I got drunk last night. Too drunk. And danced the night away to great rock songs. There were no tears. No drunk calls. No text messages. A++ for me!
- Also. I don’t know why, but I want to clear this up: I had a life without Matt. Actually, Matt and I only have about 4 mutual friends on Facebook. We had two very, very separate lives. I think that was what was so hard for me to understand… as we hardly saw each other as it was (2, maybe 3 times a week).
- Note to self: never never never never be in a Facebook relationship ever again.
- I was walking down a street yesterday in the city and felt like I was wearing a “broken heart” sign on me. Like, hmm, I just felt like everyone could tell how sad I was. And of course everything reminded me of him; of us. I leave Melbourne forever on May 7(!!), and my plan is to re-own this city and create new & wonderful memories for myself until then. And I gotta admit, I’m excited to get out there and force myself to move on.
