Short of the amputation diet, I have tried nearly every diet known to chubby folk; high-protein, low-carbs, no-carbs, slim-fast, atkins, south-beach, Weight-Watchers, paleo, gluten-Free, dairy-free, Jenny-Craig, Dr.-B., cabbage-diet, & Eat-Clean-Diet. Whoa. 

Right out the gate I’ve been unsuccessful with some, and then quite successful with others, which I think is what’s scaring me about my current paleo phase. I’ve been here before. I’ve been perfect. I’ve followed the instructions. I’ve listened to others. I’ve read forums. Asked questions. And followed the steps. I’ve committed my mind. I’ve got excited. I’ve lay in bed at night and thought, “this is it!” I’ve walked past a 7-11 and was grossed out by the food in it. And I’ve been in the place where I can feel myself staring at unhealthy food in a “how did I once eat that?” type of way.

And then I’ve lost that feeling.

And I’ve walked into that same 7-11 and bought two chocolate bars & a slurpee. I’ve ordered a burger with fries, then not eaten half the bun… thinking it was still healthy. I’ve woken up day after day, month after month, and vowed I would lose weight that day. Vowed I would be good. Promised myself that that day was different; it never was.

I’ve been on both sides of the motivation fence. I’ve had it. And I’ve lost it. And I’ve spent months trying to find it. And of course it doesn’t matter much about what diet I actually do (although I will say, Paleo seems to be the healthiest for my body), I will lose weight if decide, if I commit, if I stop half-assing the process and if I actually, without a doubt, believe I can do it.

So right now? right now my mind is 110% in this paleo challenge. More than I can describe. I’ve done 9 days of perfect paleo and without a doubt I believe I will not cheat in the next month. I got this. Really, I do. But I still find it scary. Scary how from experience I know how easily my mind can change. How one slip up, is all it takes, and how far & easy it is to fall, when you’re sitting up on your healthy high horse.

Every other time I’ve lost weight I’ve been so naive to believe it wouldn’t get hard, so stupid to think a week, a fortnight, a month had changed me. Weight loss is hard, and it’s continuous, and it’s a fight pretty much until I die (I’ve resigned to the fact I’ll always battle my weight), but…

But this time around? I’m aware. I’m older, and truly wiser, and am not looking for a diet, but rather a lifestyle change (I was told to do paleo strict for 30 days to learn about it, then after that find a system to adjust to 80-20 - which I plan to do). Every day I wake up and know I have to continue to motivate myself and work hard at this, and I know that by being quite restrictive, and doing paleo it’s not the answer to my weight loss problems, but rather a tool. To learn better habits, to try and understand the benefits of why some food is awesome for me, and others are nutritionally void. This time around I’m really educating myself on the why, and I’m remembering my past; what’s worked, how easily I can suddenly change, how easily I can be ‘in it,’ and how quickly that can change. This time around I’m not naive anymore, and this time around I feel like I’ve learned from my mistakes and am ready to do this properly. Finally.