One Twenty Five

With the marathon fast (so, so fast!) approaching, I thought I’d share some interesting (from the world wide web - shushhh you, that is sooo a source) with you!

Who’s excited?! I’m excited! I’m excited! And don’t lie, so are you!

• Officially the marathon distance 42.195 kilometres or 26 miles and 385 yards.
• The average man completes the marathon in: 4h, 32min and 8 seconds
• The average woman completes the marathon in: 5h, 6min, and 8 seconds
• The current world record was set in the 2008 Berlin Marathon by Haile Gebreslassie of Ethiopia. His time was 2 hours, 3 minutes and 59 minutes.
• That means his pace was 2:57 per kilometre (4:44 per mile). Which means he runs faster than Toronto’s subway distance. And did you know, elite runners can’t train on treadmills because treadmills are too slow?! Whoa. 
• The women’s world record time is 2 hours, 15 minutes and 25 seconds set in the 2003 London marathon by Paula Radcliffe.
• The world’s oldest marathoner was 92 years old. She finished the Honolulu marathon in 9 hours and 53 minutes. Slow. Clap.
• In 2010 the world’s largest marathons are (by finishers): New York City (44,977) // London (36,632) // Chicago (36,088 **I was one of them!!**) // Berlin (34,002)
• In March of 2011 a 400 pound man compelted the 26.2 distance in 9 hours, 48 minutes and 52 seconds.
• The average woman burns 2,880 calories during the marathon.
• The average age for a marathon finisher is 38.8 years-old overall (40.5 years-old for men and 36.1 years-old for women).
• There is a marathon nearly anywhere you can think of, including the Sahara Desert, Mt. Everest, The Antarctic Circle, and The Great Wall of China. [People are crazy]
• The top 5 most scenic marathons in the world are: 1. Safaricom Marathon, Lewa Game Reserve, Kenya, 2. Entabeni Game Reserve, South Africa, 3. Antarctic Ice Marathon, 80 Degrees South, 4. Big Sur International Marathon, Monterrey, California and 5. Honolulu Marathon, Honolulu, Hawaii

And with that, I am off to lunch to get a healthy salad, before I do “speed” on tonight’s run.  Marathon Countdown: 25 days!!

Update! Update! Let’s talk about me-me-me.  So how shady have I been lately? Answer: SO SHADY.  Y’all (whatever, I feel like a cowgirl today) have been so kind and polite and courteous to stop by my little blog… but then meanwhile, in Canada, I’ve been a beached beluga whale popping cheese pills in my bed, while watching trashy tv that numbs my sole. STOP IMAGINING THAT. IT WAS A JOKE PEOPLE. A JOKE. GOD… I am not in a polite mood, not at all, so here goes an update filled with crappy photos and with words from the dark (so, so dark) places of my soul.

So this one time, at band camp, I went swimming after a 10k (get with the program people, this was Saturday) and to my horror, but not shock, I still looked bad in my bathing suit.  Sure there was less cellulite in the ass and thigh region BUT BUT BUT there was simply just too much of me. Everywhere.  I’m onto you skinny girls out there – eating your only food of the day in front of people, and saying you “eat a lot,” but don’t really and thus fooling other girls like me into going home and continuing to eat, because I think you’re eating too, but really, you aren’t. HOW RUDE. Whatever, take it up with my lawyers if you want to argue this point. SURE you’re “naturally skinny” and SURE you “eat a lot,” but I call bluff, your “a lot” is my “small breakfast” Mark. My. Words. On. That. I am tubby because I eat way more than the average human being.  It still blows my mind ALL OF SOCIETY ISN’T FAT? Have people not tasted cheese? or ice-cream? or steaks? or potatoes? or chips n’ candy? HMMmmmmmmmm? WHERE DO YOU PEOPLE FIND THE WILL POWER?

These photos are ugly. Except for my hot BFF. She is hot. I am not. And the collage is weird. Deal. I was lazy, you must know this by now. Also know this, there was a lurker, or a subway, or whatever you call it, under my porcelain skin on my chinny chin chin so I cropped it out. I’m sneaky and manipulative like that. I tell you this so you know I am not perfect… oh, what’s that? You already knew that…. ? Me. Don’t. Like. You. [At. All]

Sorry, but not really, I got distracted… so swimming, at band camp? it went down like this:  YAY swimming! I LOVE swimming. Assuming, of course, nobody can see me in my skin-tight-look-at-my-food-baby-I-am-pretty-much-NAKED outfit, if nobody can see me then I LOVE swimming. Hell, I’d then swim naked, but people are always there (I have stalker friends, what can I say?) which means no swimming naked, just me being all sorts of self conscious about my body, which results in me not like swimming that much at all.

I still hate my body in a bathing suit, and have moments of intense fear about the beaches of my upcoming trip, and how when you google them, all the girls appear to have not eaten for the last 3.8 years, and then I get anxiety about looking like a beluga in a see of skinny dolphins. I’m also going to have to explain what a one piece is to all those skinny foreigners who will think I’m wearing a space suit. LAME. Can’t wait for those good moments, especially as I’m 26 - feeling self conscious at 26 makes you feel like such a winner.

SO…. well, before you read the below. If you judge me, know I am sitting here in my dark corner judging you [and your mother].

SO… after feeling self conscious about my bod, I got dressed and slapped a bottle of cover up on my chin, and went and ate food (salad. thankyouverymuch) with friends and then heard the ice-cream sirens from afar, and I got lured in Oh Ulysses, no!  Obviously I was under the curse of the sugar gods. IT’S NOT MY FAULT. I SWEAR. 

This is my hometown.  I always thought I’d kick ass at the “hometown date” on The Bachelor. Shut. It. You. I coulddddddd sooooo one day be on The Bachelor. I’m skinny and awesome enough. Says my mom. And Mother-E always knows best. ALWAYS.  Except for that time she told me where babies come from. She was seriously SO WRONG on that one.

Ok, so now this update brings us to Sunday, as in two days ago…. I woke my big ass up at the crack of dawn and then went for a run with 3 of my lady friends, but not just any run, oh no people, a 30k run, which is 18 miles, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  I really, like OHMYGOD did not want to run.  But I did. Why? Because I still have this annoying thing in my brain where I think running will make me skinny despite all evidence to prove otherwise.

The run itself took nearly 4 hours, and I cursed a lot on it as there were some MAJOR hills.  My camera also died on it, after the above two photos were taken. LAME.

So yea… there’s all that. I had a shitty day today so please, pardon my mood. And in half an hour I’m going to run 8k (5 miles), because the marathon is fast approaching, and I don’t want to come last.

Since I started running way-back-when in 2009, I’ve always compared times and paces to the distance of the 10k (6.2 miles).  I’ve always believed that if someone could run a 10k in under an hour, they were fast, very very fast!

I mean really, that’s a perfect 6min/km (9:39/mile) pace, and as I started out running around 8min/km, I was always super impressed when I saw or heard someone had conquered my personal, Are-You-Fast? test, and crossed the finish line of a 10k in sub 1h.

Naturally, I made this a personal goal.

On Saturday, I jumped struggled-rolled-cursed my way out of bed at 6:20am, and at 6:30am sat on my front steps, waiting for my friend, and mentally pumping myself up to finally (finally!) get a sub 1h 10k time.

But… I won’t beat around the bush y’all, I had stomach issues before the race even started (whatever, if you’re a runner, you soooo get this), my Garmin watch kept beeping “low battery,” despite me charging it the night before, and my knee’s scab kept ripping open. Which meant I somewhat gave up my goal of a sub 1h 10k before the race even started, as I was imagined the worst happening on the run (porta-potty stop (eww), garmin dies, and knee hurts). 

Then the gun went off, and I was arunning…. well, somewhat.  My pacing was awful on this run.  It went down like this: speedy-gonzales-walk-speedy-gonzales-walk-speedy-gonzales-walk-speedy-gonzales… SEE? terrible.  As per my Garmin I had 3km scattered throughout the run at a pace of 5:40/km (9:15/mile) and then some 2 minutes slower.  I was just going, then getting tired so I’d walk, then going again… there was no cool, even, planned pace. It was messy and a simple strategy of sprint-get-breath-back-SPRINT-get-breath-back-slash-dont-die-SPRINT…

At the final 300 meter mark I sprinted my ass off when I realized my time was just within my reach (because guess what? My knee never hurt, my Garmin never died, and my stomach was fine), but as you guys know, I missed it by 0.26ths of a second.

My history of race 10ks has been this:

10k #1: 1:11:18.2 —> 2009
10k #2: 1:05:39.9 —> 2009
10k #3: 1:02:56.4 —> 2010
10k #4: 1:00:26.6 —> 2011

So I can’t be too disappointed… as hello improvement (woot woot!).  I know given the right situation and my head actually being in the game (not tracking all available washrooms at every and all possible moments, TMI? deal), I could have come in under 1h, but should-coulda-woulda, right? So next time fo-shizzle! At which point we’ll have an Internet part-ay (with lots of delicious food), because I would then consider myself a “fast-runner”!!!!!!

Here some photos to keep the lazy-skip-to-photos-readers (aka people after my own heart) entertained in the meantime:

My iPhone pics:

Professional Pics:

My body is tired.
Very, very tired.
In 9 days my legs have run 91km.
That’s 57 miles, for you American folk.
That’s, ummm, a lot.

I was thinking something on this morning’s run.
[So the story goes… as I seem to think a lot]
About how being over weight has somewhat been a blessing in disguise.
I know, right? Whoa.

But listen me through.
I would never (ever-ever) have got into running, simply “just to run”
Never ever, like, at all.
If I had been skinny, or naturally smaller,
not in a million and one years would I ever thought to run
because really, what would have been the point?

I got into running “to lose weight,” and as it now appears,
3 years down the road,
I’ll probably be a runner the rest of my days
Shock. Gasp. Wha? I know.

I’ll always run
not because it made me lose weight
or because i find meditation from it
or because I enjoy the actual act
[because I don’t, like, at all]
[and btw, who are you people that do?!]
but because running has slowly become a part of the new me
the better me
the me I want to be.

And

and its given me hope, when I saw none
a goal to work towards, when everything seemed wrong
let me believe in myself, and see that I can do anything
[because really, I can].

And now, on this Sunday afternoon
as my body hurts, and mind is weary
I secretly enjoy this muscle pain
as it’s the feeling of hard work, commitment
and dedication.

Three things I’m not sure I would have found,
learned, and become
had I not ever been overweight,
and not got into running.

Exactly one month today I’ll be running the Berlin Marathon. And honestly? I’m not that excited for it. Especially compared to how I was feeling before the Chicago marathon. 

My excitement has been replaced with fear. Last year I was simply hoping to stumble across the finish line, enjoy my run, and just be.  But this time around? it’s different. I feel so much pressure from my running group, from this blog, from myself to do better.  I have a goal this time; a time to beat. Which leaves me not looking forward to this whole thing very much at all.

I know if I cross that finish line in over 5 hours, despite finishing the thing, I won’t be happy. I won’t be proud. I won’t even want to blog about it. I hate that. And yes, I realize how ridiculous I must sound to the non-runner type (my-oh-my how things have changed!). But I don’t feel ready to run it yet.  And it annoys me to no end I’m not near (or close to) my goal weight for it. Actually, I think that’s the thing that annoys me the most. If anything, I’ve gained weight since I started training. So, so disappointing.

Why do I insist on running full marathons over weight?  It really doesn’t make sense.  I’m still not where I want to be running, or eating-wise for that matter. I just feel so unprepared.  Like, I’m taking two steps forward, three steps back.  I keep self-sabotaging myself… 

I’m in Starbucks as I type this (had today off work), and the kind barrister decided to be nice to me by giving me not one, but two free cookies with my coffee. I thanked him, and then mentally promised myself I wouldn’t eat either - I’d save them for my parents - they love chocolate chip cookies.  But then they were all I could think about, as I sat here and answered emails, emails to people who have written me, asking me for weight loss advice, those damn cookies were all I could think about. I felt like such a con, eating a cookie and trying to give tips on weight loss. So sad. So, so disappointing - I know.

I know to the person sitting on the other side of this screen, this may all seem absurd. I realize how insane I may sound…  really, I do. I’m aware of how proud I should be going from this to this. But it’s just been such a battle… a battle I thought would one day get easier, but it hasn’t, not even a little bit, not even at all.

And now my running ante has been upped. And this time around? I don’t think I can match it.  And now a constant fear has been instilled in me, 30 days before the big day.  I don’t feel like I’ve trained enough, actually, I’ve been really lazy with my training.  I also feel like my eating habits have been awful lately.  It’s like I don’t care. Like I’ve given up. But I do care. Actually, a lot. Which as you can imagine, makes for an awful mental battle, the whole God, damn, time. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel very (very!) overwhelmed, very frustrated with myself to no end.  Maybe it’s because I’m leaving Toronto in 28 days and I keep having second thoughts? Or because I think this may be my last marathon… as it’s just been too hard.  Everything is taking its toll on me, and truth be told, I don’t want the next 30 days to come and go. 30 days… ugh, that’s terrifying.

Self doubt, it’s such a nasty thing, and unfortunately it’s really taken over my life in the last few weeks.

• Brown squirrel brown squirrel. Shake your bushy tail. Take a peanut in your hand and… OMIGOD, remember that song? It’s been stuck in my head all morning. And now, yours.
• Shots shots shots, shots shots shots, (<— sing that as if you’re LMFAO please n’ thank you).  So, I got my last set of travel shots this morning. Hurt like a bitch too.  They snuck an extra one in for good measure, to ensure I don’t die from some disease I had never heard of. I could actually hear the needles go into my arm. So that wasn’t pleasant at all. 
• This is a legit concern of mine. I put the second Starbucks lid back this morning, and this man gave me a dirty look, to which I was all like, shut it yo, I’ve washed my hands twice today and I wanna save the planet. Rude. But wait, maybe he’s right… 
• Then there was last night. Last night I gave my second talk/speech/ramble. I was nervous. It was scary. But I think it went well. For the first 10 minutes of talking I was all like, omigod-all-these-people-are-looking-at-me-this-is-awful and then I somewhat settled in, could actually breath, and enjoyed it.  So… I gave them this blog. I know, right? Whoa.  Maybe it’ll help someone, maybe it won’t… who knows. Essentially I just invited them to the dark corners of my brain.  Welcome, stay awhile, won’t you? There’s lots of pink, fluffy, sparkly things here… it’ll be fun. I promise. ((Afterwards, when I was walking home, I freaked out about that, but so the story goes whenever someone new finds Little Blog…))
• Tonight is the final hill training session: ten hill repeats = shoot me now.  Naturally, with hills being all steep n’ shaz, I have no desire to do them, but will for the one and only reason of being able to colour in my little excel-box tomorrow.
• Just gonna throw this out there, but the iPad 2 is, well… I’m just not that impressed with it. Sure there are some super-duper cool apps, but it’s still missing so many key things. If you’re looking to buy one, I’d hold off until a later version - how does it not even offer bullet points, bold, or italicizing, when it’s a note-taking device? And don’t even get me started on the horrors of the Tumblr App.
• I’m exhausted and busy and exhausted lately. And actually feel really sick as I type this. Perhaps from the shots? Perhaps because I am so (so!) stressed (packing and sorting will do that to you)? Perhaps because I’m running on an embarrassing few hours of sleep?
• Lately (last few months) I do this really weird thing when I’ve driving where I imagine the worst case scenario happening to me.  Like, I imagine the oncoming car swerving into me, or my brakes not working, or a car T-boning me.  Every. Single. Time. I. Drive. At. Every. Single. Moment.  It’s like my sub-conscious thinks I’m going to die or something.
• This Saturday I’m running a 10k race. I’m really hoping to break the 1h mark; Fingers crossed people!!  My 30k times went down like this: First 10k: 1:03:19 Second 10k: 1:07:56 Third 10k: 1:07:22. I will be over the moon if I see 59:59:59 at the end of Saturday’s run - I think it’ll be hard, but is doable.
• You know when your eyes just feel heavy you’re so tired? Right. Now.
• I’ve also been (epically) failing at the whole weight loss game lately.  If it was a snakes and ladders game, I’d be sliding down those snakes like a boss. LIKE A BOSS. But I’ll leave that for another post, because I can’t bring myself to think about that (as I feel my stomach resting on my thighs… le sigh).
• 16 work days left.
• 34 days left in Toronto.
• 1 brain slowly going crazy.

((terrified))